I was 9
I saw her sleeping
but she never woke up.
Everyone is yelling
I begin to cry,
there looking down on me
and i do not know why?
I hold out my hand
everyone seems to wander around
no one doesn't notice me anymore
I wear black
I saw her lay their.
Motionless.
Everyone is crying on one another
I sit alone
tears are beging to stream down my face
I tried to reach out to a hand again
in return i get a slap
two days ago i was cherished
two days later i am worthless
reality kicked in.
I was 9
that day i had to pretend
no one never noticed
ever since
I been on my own.
*I don't know what to name this?
*What changes should be made?
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1.for the title hmm,
ReplyDeletei lik "Motionless time" maybe somthing like that something to do with time or somthing i goes with the peom well.
2.i like the flow of your peom an its really touching. I just cant think of somthing to tell you to add. but like maygbe use more describing words, describe what at the time is is feeling lie for you. What you see, smell, hear all that
"I saw her lay their." <-- Should be there, sorry.
ReplyDelete1. I think the whole "I was nine." thing is really significant throughout the poem, so perhaps just that. "I was nine."
2. I like the flow, but I think you should show us a little more than telling us. Show us and make your audience feel what miniature-you felt like while all this chaos was going on.
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ReplyDeleteI like Victoria's title. It tells a lot about your poem.
ReplyDeleteAlso your poem could add more details to what you felt like, so we could have a better understand of what you went through.